Lonesome.

I spent a year being surrounded by broken marriages, people cheating, people stuck in unhappy marriages, people in happy marriages yet not happy enough so they could actually be themselves and ask for what they want, people too busy for love, people too broken for love. I enjoyed being the escape for someone. Being the person that gives them hope for better days. Being the one that can give them pleasure they maybe haven’t felt for a while. I was the one they can tell their deepest secrets to. I was someone that wouldn’t judge because I myself was in such a judgmental position. But in that year no one cared who I actually was or what I wanted. Not even myself. It’s like my own life wasn’t about me anymore. It was about other people. I was existing to make someone else feel better. But no one looked at me and actually see me. I had so much fun. I had so many orgasm. So much wine and great food. Yet I’ve never felt more lonely. I thought I could escape from all these feelings. Like if I just leave London and go to a different part of the world everything will be just okay. But the truth is you can’t escape yourself.

I used to be such a hopeless romantic. Like I couldn’t wait to fall in love and be with my soulmate for the rest of my life. And then you grow up and you find out that it’s not that easy. That something like that might not even exist. Because as much as you wish life would be a beautiful fairytale it just isn’t. People do die alone. People do die without ever experiencing how does it feel to be unconditionally loved by someone. And yeah, I know I'm young but I'm starting to feel like I may be one of the people. I can’t seem to break the pattern. They say that when it comes to love we are drawn to what’s already familiar to us from our childhood. And I always go for men that will never choose me. Just like my father never chose me. There were always better people to hang out with than his own daughter. His alcoholic friends, different lovers. But never his own daughter. I’ve always thought that the only reason why he kept me around was to get back to my mum as I was the only thing they had in common. Even though the last time I saw him I was 13 and then briefly when I was 18 I always believed that one day he will want to know me. The real me. He will ask what I want in life and if and if I'm happy. And then I got a call when I was 21 that he killed himself and I realised I wasn’t even worth enough for him to stay alive and to try to be a better person. I think that may be a selfish thought but I think it’s more selfish to have kids and then not loving them the way they deserve. And now here I am, thinking about my love life and how I had many people that loved me but they always kinda had this thought that they can’t fully commit to me because someone better might be waiting around the corner. And that’s something I can’t really compete with because I know there will always be someone better around the corner. Maybe someone with less issues, someone less needy, more stable. I worked two years on a self love and yet it’s still not enough. And I'm tired. And I don’t even know who I am anymore. Or who I wanna be. So I just feel empty. There’s no need to tell me about positive thinking. Or manifestation. I know everything about that. I know about affirmations, meditation, cleansing rituals etc. And I believe in all that. I went to the mountains with bunch of strangers for a plant ceremony. I felt the calling. And I thought I will receive the guidance, that afterwards I won’t feel the same. That I will be strong again and hopeful. And yes, I got high on mushrooms and DMT and I had an amazing experience but afterwards when all the visions were gone I felt exactly the same. Maybe even worse. Because all the beautiful things I saw and felt were gone. And I was alone again. I didn’t receive any guidance and realised I still have to do all the work and push through on my own without anyone being by my site. I just think I don’t have the energy anymore.

You know I love my work. I think it’s the only thing that keeps me going right now. But I also feel conflicted about it. About how artificial and fragile it is. Like if I got a breast cancer and lost my boob would I still have any subscribers? If I took a month off and then looked at my site, would I still have any people there? Even though there’s almost 2 years worth of content? What if I stop working out and gain a lot of weight? But also - is that all that people see? Just my body? Does any of those people think of me as a person with feelings? As person that is capable of love and hurt? Like for example if any of my subscribers read this do they stop feeling the attraction they felt before? Because suddenly they see someone vulnerable and practically broken instead of seeing the woman on photos and videos that is so confident and powerful?

I just wish I would get a sign from the Universe that it will get better. The past couple weeks I'm seeing angel numbers literally everywhere and all the time. But what the hell am I suppose to do with it? It''s getting tiring. Just at least give me a goddamn friend. It doesn’t have to be a lover. I can live without that. Just a friend. Someone I can be myself with. I can have deep and dark conversations with and then 5 minutes later be silly and dance. And hugs. So many goddamn hugs. I know soulmate friends are out there. I had many of those. They all just left. Went a different path than I did.

I hate the realisation that us humans are so broken. That 90% of us need a therapy. A stranger we give our money we work so hard for in this capitalism world just so we have someone to talk to. Love and nature should be the cure for everything. It suppose to be that simple. But it’s not. So many of us feel like we need to be alone to heal. So many of us refuse love because we feel like we’re not ready for it. We feel like love is scary, too complicated or even just too much. Yet love is the most beautiful and most simple thing in the world. Don’t get me wrong. Being single is great. All that freedom. But after couple years of going to sleep on your own, waking up on your own, you will realise we’re not meant to get through all the shit alone for the rest of our lives.