Tired of hook up culture or tired of men?

My teenage years and my early twenties were all about me trying to find a boyfriend, but instead of finding one I was just constantly ghosted or friend-zoned right after I would have sex with a dude. Luckily almost all of the guys from that time of my life are now fat whilst I got even hotter, and when they now slide into my DMs to tell me how great I look and ask if I wanna get a drink, I don’t even bother to reply that feels like the best kind of revenge. 

When I was 22 I had a long term relationship, and when that ended I was 25 and thrown into the tinder era: dating started again. I mean not exactly dating, but hooking up. I was actually kind of enjoying one night stands and I gotta admit I did ghost someone too. I didn’t know how to tell him that his whole personality was so annoying and impossible to be around that I had to get completely wasted to just to bare his company. I don’t even remember the sex we had. So I just never replied when he messaged saying he would like to see me again. I did really like two guys but one of them said he really wanted to see me again and promised he will let me know when he’s free but he never did. I wonder if it was because he was embarrassed that he didn’t get hard, even though we tried a couple of times. But I mean, we drank a lot and that shit happens. I still enjoyed his sense of humour and wanted to see him again, but unfortunately - ghosted. And the other guy I liked told me he wanted us to stay friends. Yet I’ve never heard from him again and he unfollowed me on instagram a couple of days later.

I mean, it was fun for a year, but then it got extremely boring. Every guy and every conversation seemed the same, and the sex usually wasn’t anything mind blowing either. Sometimes you win the lottery, but sometimes you end up disappointed by a dude with a micro-penis who makes no effort after messaging you for days about how he’s gonna fuck the shit out of you. I spent the next day hungover, unable to do anything productive. My vagina felt untouched, and I started realising it’s just not worth it anymore.

When I started sex work when I was 27 it didn’t get any easier. Even though I was really enjoying being single at that point, in the back of my mind I was desperate for a human connection just like everyone else. But now I wasn’t just a woman dealing with men in the 21st century. Now I was a female sex worker dealing with men in the 21st century. I was their fantasy at first, so meeting me in real life seemed like a dream come true for them. But eventually there comes the realisation that I'm also just a real human being with issues and insecurities, and suddenly the fantasy has gone. Right after they’ve cum, of course.

You know, you would have thought shit gets easier when you start dating 30+ year old guys. Like come on, it’s an age when you can’t be coming up with constant excuses about being too young for a commitment, and surely more men that age would be less desperate just to get laid. But what I found out in 29 years of my life is that no matter if you date a 41 year old or 27 year old - they are all the same. I think I’m lucky to fall for two types of men - they either have commitment issues or they have an existential crisis. I don’t think mid-life crisis is even a thing because all you gotta do is to be a man to have one: a man without a proper job, or no job at all, not knowing where they are heading. They don’t have any hobbies, plans, dreams and definitely no self discipline. Or they have dreams but they feel like they don’t have to work to make them come true, and success will just fall into their lap. I think in my private life I spent more money on men than they spent on me. If I'm gonna continue like this I will soon be a very successful Sugar Momma. Unfortunately I'm not pleased or turned on by that idea.

When I was travelling on the other side of the world last year dating took a completely different turn. If you’re in a place like Costa Rica even a simple meal or drink is gonna end up being a romantic highlight of your life. You also meet people you would normally never meet but somehow the world brought you together to this beautiful tropical country where neither of you can speak the language. When you match with someone on tinder their proposal of a date would normally be a walk on the beach during sunset, drinks and dancing in a bar by the beach and then who knows what happens next. I had a date and our first kiss was in the ocean 30 mins after we just met and our second kiss was on the street in the middle of tropical rain with no one else around. Can’t get more romantic than that. Another guy invited me to his treehouse for a week. Like how could you say no to something like this? It’s a once in a lifetime experience, so even if the guy or the sex was boring at least you’re living in a freaking tree. Then when I was in Mexico a guy took me to a romantic dinner, we danced in a club until 4am, went back to his hotel for sex, and the whole next day we were together. He took me to my very first jet ski ride and another dinner before we finally said our goodbyes as he was leaving the country the next day. Even though you know it’s temporary and you may never meet again it doesn’t mean you don’t need to make an effort to make it special.

All these experiences I had when travelling made the burden of dating so worth it. Because even when you didn’t meet your person who you were gonna spend the rest of your life with, at least you felt like your life was a romantic novel. And you felt more alive than ever. 

So I forgot how it is again when dating in London. Actually, I am now in a happy relationship so I definitely don’t need to be on dating apps. I don’t lack anything and I don’t even have time for anyone else. But being, for the first time, in a poly relationship, and seeing my boyfriend having all these fun dates, makes me a bit jealous that he’s got other stuff going on and I don’t. We all know at this point that tinder is for hook ups. All the happy couples who said they found each other on there are probably being paid by tinder, or I honestly don’t know how they got so lucky. Anyway I decided to try Feeld after hearing about it on a podcast and seeing lots of people using it, including sex workers. After a couple of weeks being on it, it felt to me like all the tinder people just moved over to Feeld so they could put their kinks in their bio and not have their account deactivated. I genuinely don’t see any difference. Awful opening lines, dudes who take the fact I put my insta bio there as an invitation to bombard me with constant messages on IG demanding a date, and dudes who wanna “make content” since I'm a sex worker and for them it means I just sleep with everyone no matter what. But I matched with one guy who actually seemed quite interesting. Probably because he was in a band and my inside groupie from years ago still wishes to have a boy who would sing to her while she’s enjoying a glass of wine. I briefly looked at his social media and saw he had a podcast about sex which made me think he will be more open and respectful when It comes to my work. I decided to be pretty clear on my profile, saying I’m not interested in one night stands because I'm really not. I said the same to him when he asked me what it is I’m looking for on the app, and I added that I’m looking for connections, friends and possibly something more if the chemistry is there. He told me he’s not interested in ONS either, to which I said “thatś great, we already have something in common.” And his response was: “So would you like to hook up at some point?“ You know, I was really really hoping that the message wasn’t what I thought it was. Since English isn’t my first language, I messaged my British boyfriend to ask if “hook up“ can also simply mean “meet up“ and not always have to be sexual. He said no. It is most definitely sexual. Right after I noticed that the guy also added: “Or are you a drinks first type of girl?“ I was disgusted. I don’t know how to be any more clear. For me when I say 'no ONS’ it obviously means I want to have a fairly vanilla meet-up and see how things go. God, not even clients I’m seeing for the first time invite me straight to bed before we have a conversation and a drink first, and I’m getting bloody paid for my time! 

I talked about this with few different people. Someone told me that saying no ONS still can mean sex but just with possibility of making it more regular. I mean, sorry but after dating men for 29 years they always say they look for something more regular even if it’s only just friends with benefits. Yet I would always get ghosted and felt like a complete idiot afterwards. My other male friend was pissed. He said he loves women just like every other men but he also believes that every single woman you wanna shag still has to be bloody cherished like a queen and shown respect. Hell yes! Maybe my expectations are way too high after watching sunsets on the beach on a first date and slowly falling for the person next to me because of the peace and beauty, but seriously? Not even a dinner/drink/getting to know each other anymore? It’s straight to the bed kinda thing?

I’m sure there are women who would bloody love that idea. No judgment from me, quite the opposite in fact. I’m just disappointed because my expectations in men are and always were way too high. You know, I don’t more need sex. I’ve got plenty of that. Whether it’s with my partner, with my clients, or my favourite - with myself. So I’m not on a dating site to look for a hook up. I crave connection. I crave mind. Someone raw, someone interesting, caring, someone to share the self with. The sex would be just a cherry on top for me. I will be 30 this year - if you can’t even take me to a nice dinner when you want so shag me what the fuck are you doing with your life? I’m not 19 anymore. 

Also as someone who has really struggled to establish boundaries with myself for the past couple of years, being invited straight to someone’s bed is triggering for me. For way too long I felt like I owed sex to guys who took me out even though I couldn’t fucking stand them. (Viz. my story at the beginning). I would decide to just get completely wasted to pull through it instead of simply saying: “Nope, I’m not feeling it. Sorry I’m going home alone.“ It’s something I really worked on last year and it was hard. I hate the feeling like I’m disappointing someone, even though I know how ridiculous it sounds. I broke down in tears when I had to tell this guy in Costa Rica that I had a nice evening but unfortunately I’d rather fuck a cactus than him. He was annoying as fuck but also a nice person. He wasn’t pushy and even messaged me a couple of times wanting to see me again, even though I blew him off. I didn’t see him again because I said yes to a treehouse and moved to a different part of Costa Rica, but I like thinking back about him. It’s a lot easier to be in a safe space and have the time to decide if you really want to spend a night with the person in front of you, or if the idea of going home and waking up alone sounds a lot more appealing. But if you go to someone’s home before you ever even meet them, how can you know how you’re gonna feel whilst you’re there? Withdrawing consent when things are already happening can be extremely hard and awkward for some people, so they would rather put up with it. (I highly suggest reading the book Rough by Rachel Thompson). You also never know if the person in front of you won’t get aggressive or pushy if you suddenly change your mind. 

As I later found out, that dude from Feeld is actually a sex addict, which he talks about on his podcast, and apparently even gets off on fucking someone out of his league. Well, suddenly I knew it was a great decision to unmatch him right after he sent the message.

You know if you just want to shag, book a sex worker. Lucky for you, I am one, so you can actually book me. But I’m so done fucking idiots for free who don’t give a shit about me and won’t even fake a slight interest in me. I’m sick of babysitting boys who are so lost, and change their mind about what they want to do with their life on a daily basis. You being a musician might have been enough for me a couple of years ago, but if you’re not doing the self-work, and you’re not a decent person with basic respect for women, I couldn’t care less. 

I know I’ve been saying it for years now, but maybe it’s really time to start dating women?